A Mother's Regret On Cocaine Use During Pregnancy

At a perfume launch, amidst women enjoying the evening, I unwittingly made a decision that would haunt me for life. Known for my party lifestyle in the PR world during the late Noughties, I was offered cocaine and took it without a second thought. Little did I know, I was almost five months pregnant.

Every parent understands the responsibility that comes with bringing new life into the world, yet I was blindsided by the shock of impending motherhood. I was unaware of my pregnancy until just a week prior to this sober moment, which caused a whirlwind of emotions. Pregnancies can be unplanned, and in a society where indulging in narcotics is prevalent, I was just one among many who falls into such traps.

Research supports that cocaine expedites through the placenta, potentially leading to severe developmental challenges in babies. Although my career had thrived alongside my cocaine use, turning to what I believed was a party norm cost me dearly.

After the initial shock of my pregnancy wore off, I struggled with the reality of becoming a mother, all while trying to maintain my previous lifestyle surrounded by champagne and excitement. My on-off relationship at the time offered no stability, nor had I ever imagined I’d find myself in this predicament.

Months of unconscious use coupled with unplanned pregnancy had harmful repercussions, leading to learning difficulties in my daughter, Esme. It wasn't until she turned three and began attending nursery that the full impact of my past choices dawned on me.

Even though she was born healthy, I began noticing quirks in her behaviour. As she struggled with basic learning tasks and began wearing glasses by the age of four, I plunged into research and realised the devastating potential outcomes of my cocaine use. My heart sank as research drew connections between prenatal cocaine exposure and developmental delays, including learning difficulties.

In the quest for understanding, I sought help and moved to Shropshire, hoping proximity to family would assist us both. Despite difficulties and a diagnosis of Asperger's at the age of eight, Esme has grown into a lovely fifteen-year-old, often dealing with challenges that stem from my past actions.

Today, I continue to carry guilt for my choices, desiring only forgiveness from Esme. After attending a reunion with my former PR colleagues, seeing some revert to their old ways offered a prime reminder of how easily life can lead one astray. I am resolute in maintaining focus on my daughter and cherishing her quirky, perfect self.

While the statistics regarding cocaine's impact during pregnancy are harrowing, I hold on to love as my beacon. Esme deserves the best, and I can only hope to learn from my history of regret.